Amebo Pulse: King Davido’s Secret Weapon And The Best Of Haters
Few of us like a Monday, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
God pass dem. All the prayers of the celebrities, and their juju almost work. They try their best to no make me appear this week with my big mouth, but God pass them. So my people, I am Amebo Pulse, the great gossiper from the Federal Republic of Amebo., and I come bearing good tidings. No weapon fashioned against me go size me. No prayer directed at me, my website or any of my news sources go work. I full ground scatter.
Last week was horrible for me. All the artistes wise up no be small. No gists came my way, everybody dey form saint. Jim Iyke no gree fight, Tonto Dikeh switch off her singing skills, Yvonne Nelson camera man get accident, 2face still dey honeymoon, Wizkid never give girl public belle (although secret sources dey try whisper to me), Iyanya still dey roll him stiff waist, and Davido…give me sweet gist. Nothing spoil sha. Next week still dey. As long as celebrities exist, they go still dey jones, so Amebo go dey bring am to you. Say Thank you, and let’s go there!
Happy New Week.
Eberi Actor 1 Of Nollywood
When Tonto Dikeh threw off her comfort cloak of Nollywood and mumu-ishly decided to join the music industry that is as confused as Oshodi bus stop, she had no idea what she was doing. But my guess was all those sycophant wankers on Twitter had given her shitty advice. She spanked her small chest (I know what’s in your mind. Hers are small), and deceived herself saying ‘I knew it!’ She didn’t get advice from professionals like Amebo Pulse, and so she’s swimming in mockery and comical mediocrity of which I’m tired of writing volumes. Tonto honey, I officially divorce you. You are hereby set free from the clutches of Amebo. Congratulations. So run along, miss.
Enter Timaya to take the space that Tonto so ably filled. Instead of staying with those his songs that sound like a remix of Terry G’s madness, the guy wan follow act. Abi your Alaba marketer don breakup with you? I hope not. I love Timaya. There’s something about his mean look, his kpomo lips, fat face, plenty dada (dreadlocks). Na dada jor. I be kpako, I no send you. Girls love Timaya. The fat guy songs dey make their waist wind like indomie around fork. Guys love Timaya, because when the indomie waists dey wind, they go carry their body go join the winding. Sweet Timaya. Fathers and Mothers love Timaya. Remember he’s the Dem Mama and Dem Papa singer. So clearly everybody loves Timaya, The Eberi Papa 1 of Bayelsa. He’s a national darling.
But before we start recommending him for 2015 senatorial elections, let’s get things straight. Timaya once did some police station time because of his refusal to allow a romantic gift go away with the dead love. He once went to a church where an innocent woman was supposed to get married in peace and caused enough trouble to qualify for Federal Amnesty.
So considering all these things in mind, I was very scared when I saw the picture above. Please refer back to that to that picture and finger the odd one out. His name is Timaya! See how all the others in the picture are all smiling and feeling at home. Then see our Eberi Papa. The guy face dey like say him brain dey sweat. This is because he knows that the laughter reserved for Tonto Dikeh is set to come his way. Imagine what my oga at the top went through. Timaya knows, so he’s having sleepless nights and prayer sessions to deliver him from the movie. But there’s still an opportunity for you to avoid all of that. Just pack your bags and run. Even if you don chop their money clean mouth, still run. But the police will be your friend.
You’ve put yourself in NSCDC’s position, and I don’t envy you. God be with you, because in this one, you can’t shake out your bom bom.
Butt of David(o)
If either by illiteracy, chronic kpakoism, or morning hunger, you didn’t seem to get the meaning of the above title, then here it is. Yansh of David. Davido’s arse! That’s what it is baby.
If you had at least a half-decent Sunday school session during those days wey your parents still get your time, then you’ll know the story of David, the king. So listen carefully, let me tell you the story of 2 kings. One ancient, the other Naija-cient.
When ancient David was faced with a crowd that was hostile and ready for war, he tackled them with bravery, and his sword. But when Naija Davido was face, not with a bloodthirsty crowd, but with a crowd where all dey piss because of am, he faced them with his songs and his yansh. Very nice.
Davido is not mad. Neither is he a candidate for the White garment school of deliverance, but this one no be craze? Answer abeg. Next thing you’ll see, as is the style of our youths to copy the celebrities, then all the teenagers who have had the yeye luck to taste marijuana before their time, will keep arse-hugging, just like we chop knuckles. It will soon be, “O boy chop arse”.
Now look at that boxer shorts. Talk true, that boxers no old? It actually looks like it has given Davido, 5 years of distinguished service, complete with the endless washing using Omo and green bar soap. Davido that boxers don try. Abeg, retire the poor thing thank you.
But come o, let us all reason this matter together. Is it fair, to you, to me, to humanity and to the heavens for you to put your butt all up in our faces? If to say I been pay gate-fee for that show, I for ask for my change, and if no body gree pay me, Jim Iyke na my friend o! Una know what his favorite hobby is (beating up people). So Davido, Amebo is not happy, the world is not happy, even your village no happy with you. Therefore before you go on yansh-modelling, think twice.
Omo Babalawo.
Omotola Congrats Jare
Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde, your mama born you well. You are a confirmed daughter of the order of the Niger. GEJ, Take note. Give her an award, or maybe amnesty and pardon. Last week Omosexy broke into the Times 100 Most Influential People on earth, as usual, Nigeria develop epilepsy sharp sharp. Everybody begin dey happy, dey jollof. Una thank you. She don work hard for all of una TV set.
But any soup wey sweet, bad-belle must always try to put too much pepper so that the thing go spoil. Some people, instead of dancing azonto with her and drinking all through the night in celebration of her progress, they actually started hating. See, it is more gracious to give jolly than to catch typhoid fever over the good wey person dey enjoy. No be her fault say you never hammer. No be her fault say she no come from your village wey the winches and winch-men no gree allow you chop clean mouth. She is innocent, you hear? So clap for her and show her some love. One, two, go! Biiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggg Huuuuuuuuugggggggggg! Good. That’s how to follow happy, so that when your turn come (that is when those winch people die), we go follow kill goat, or cow, then drink palmie.
Omosexy, we are proud of you. More hustle to your soft muscle.
Until next week…stay strong.
Amebo Is Watching!
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