Amebo Pulse: Psquare’s New Inheritance, Doctor Don Jazzy And The Crush Of Sugar Krane
Few of us like a Monday, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
“Hello, Amebo Pulse on the line. Yes? You want sue me? Why? I exposed your skeleton? No? You want me to manufacture a f**k up for you? See, what’s your name again? Er, er, haven’t heard that name before. See listen, I don’t know why you’re trying desperately to swindle your way into my column, but the criteria for being a member is that you must be a star, have plenty fans, plenty celebrity photos, plenty girlfriends or boyfriends and finally, you must have one major f**k up! So if you haven’t beaten up a bouncer, stole someone’s beats, slept with your producer’s wife, taken a shit in a molue, or photographed your butt, then steer clear of me. I am not to be bribed, swindled or begged. You no fit deceive me. So go home go f**k up, pray it gets to me, then and only then will your life be given the honourable privilege to grace Amebo Pulse… Goodbye and don’t call my number again!”
No mind them jare. My people, these artistes no go allow me rest. Imagine one small boy want make I manufacture f**k-up for am. Say my name my f**k-up industry abi? Go sleep jor…if I check well, that guy has only one single to his name. And I sure na free beat wey him use sing that song. In case he doesn’t know, Amebo is exclusively for celebrities, not for wannabes. We don’t do talent hunt, neither do we do promotion. We simply do gossip. Gossip are us! So if he wants to market his profile, let him try facebook, or go to Alaba market, not Amebo Pulse, okay? Reason because Gossip are us!
Let the show begin!
P-Square: Taking Over The 2baba Annointing
“Go ye into the world and multiply”…Na so God take find trouble o. That command is the 11th commandment and in Amebo’s opinion, it’s the best commandment ever. Why? You know na. Unlike all the other commandments which involved not kicking the shit out of the neighbourhood bully, or turning the other cheek when Davido slaps you, or worse still, forgiving the guy who stole your dog and ate it up, this one is simple to obey. In fact, it is actually enjoyable to obey. Baba Noni! It is in line with everything a guy stands for. So whenever we hear that commandment, we give ourselves a smile and say a prayer of thanksgiving. Best commandment ever! Nigeria is the most obedient of all the countries. We don multiply sotay, I sure say heaven go dey proud of us. Nigeria, the most populous nation in Africa. We too much.
The main celebrity multiplier as we know is 2face. That man was anointed for the mission. The guy ministry na “Idibia Multiplication Ministries. Come and be increased!” Our celebrity legendary multiplier has 6 to his name, and he has so inspired the younger generation to follow in his footsteps. He represents all that is good with “kerewa”. The man sharp well, well.
But then him don retire. The legend of multiplication was captured by Annie Macaulay, so he had to hang his shooting boot. 3 gbosa for a captured hero: Gbosa! Gbosa! Gbosa! We are sad at your untimely retirement, but we will console ourselves with the legacy you’ve left behind…6 small, smiling legacies actually.
2face’s retirement left a gaping hole in the order of multiplicatrion, so a lot of other small-time multipliers have been auditioning for the position. Babies are dropping on a daily basis. But yet nobody fit match the heroics of 2baba until one tag-teamn stepped up with their machine guns. Give it up for P-square. The talented Peter and Paul Okoye. They haven’t been doing badly at all. And if you think they are cheats because they both are entering as a group to fill in one slot, then make I refer you to their “Busy body remix’ song.
“…Peter and Paul them be one no be two. Remember say them get igbedu, (oh oh), wey go make you soji..”.
So they are one. Not two. So ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I announce that the Okoyes now have four crying babies to their name. They have multiplied times 2. All inb how many months work. Congratulations!
2face just retire last month, but Psquare begin dey aspire, dey perspire, dey desire, dey ‘refire’. So 4 babies are the result. Una don try! We see you!
Peter, the fine responsible looking one with low cut (I choose to ignore his earring, because it’s diamond), wey sabi dance, grabbed a fine girl, moved his waist twice, and got 2 ‘recognised and accepted’ children. Paul the other one with dreadlocks (don’t ver trust a man with dada), obviously not wanting to be the lazy sheep of the family got 2 women, moved his waist tiny waist too, and got 2 recognised children. One was accepted, the other one was ignored. Peter = good boy. Paul= yeye boy.
Relax, tori just start. Una know say one of the privilege of being a celebrity is to get more than one girlfriend. The public and the secret one. The public one go tush, come fine like winch, while the secret one go ugly small. Both of them go dey go through the same multiplication process. Anita the public one, gave birth in Atlanta, and Paul ran down there, wore mask, theatre gown, even hang stethoscope dey form doctor. Grabbed the child, and posed proudly for exclusive pictures. After that, he named the child ‘Andre’. We were all happy. But what he failed to tell us was that earlier his secret girl also gave birth to another boy. Even when the news, got to Paul, the guy refused to acknowledge the boy and claim responsibility. Amebo is not happy. You wan inherit 2face title but you know want follow him footsteps. I could imagine the look on 2face’s face. Utter disbelief and disappointment. 2face never rejects his kids. He accepts them all.
I think the 12th commandment should be “thou shalt not reject thy seed, for whatever a man soweth, so shall he reap.” If you sow in 2 places, you shall reap in 2 places. Our God is a just God. So better accept your pikin. Nonsense.
Star Treatment.
Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde, Genevieve Nnaji, Olu Jacobs, Alex Usifo Omiagbo, Stella Damasus, Joke Silva, Tonto Dike, singers, , comedians, Julius Agwu, AY, Ali Baba and ex-football stars,. Others are VJ, , blogger, Linda Ikeji, producer Don Jazzy and Jibe Ologeh are all set to be inducted on Thursday, May 16, 2013 at the Lagos Sheraton Hotels and Towers.
Ladies! Imagine a world in which Don Jazzy is your personal doctor, treating your every illness with a potent combination of sweet music, and good medicine. Imagine a hospital where 2face Idibia, Banky W, P Sqaure, 9ice, Davido, Naeto C, Jay Jay Okocha, Nwankwo Kanu, Denrele Edun are all at your beck and call, listening to your complaints and giving you injection. That world is about to be real. It begins with Red Cross.
Red cross, not satisfied with the total number of their staff, have decided to employ more people and instead of them to put adverts for newspaper, they called all the stars and signed them up. They go soon swear them in on the 16th of this month, and frankly I can imagine wetin go happen. All the girls go begin fall sick. They go get Red-Crossititis, the sickness wey na only Red Cross fit treat. Who no want make 2face treat her? Who no like better thing. Imagine Banky W and that him sweet ajebo voice. No girl go gree well again. But Red Cross had this in mind, so they also signed up the mean-looking Alex Usifo Omiagbo, that man wey like to dey form Anti-Christ. So if you gree well when Banky sing for you, Alex Usifo go treat you well…you hear!
Sugar Krane Loves Yvonne Nelson
I’ve never liked the songs of Oliver De Coque because my father always used it back then to punish me. Whenever I destroyed a household item, he calls me into the room and either watches CNN, or plays songs by Oliver De Coque until small me, bored beyond limit, will begin to cry and beg for forgiveness. With time I crossed into puberty, I fell in love with CNN, but still didn’t like Oliver De Coque. But I kept one line from one of his songs. It said,
“Cut your cloth according to your material”…that’s why I always wear jump-up trousers. ‘According to my small material”. I no dey pursue over-sized women, or those wey their level pass my own…for now. And that is why I have to talk, because I have seen one of my young friends, trying to cut his clothe according to his long-throat. The young man wan chop poison.
Dammy Krane, the sugar cane! Listen, you fine, sabi dance, sabi sing small too. God don bless with voice, looks, charisma, flexible waist, and plenty girls…but you still want more.
Dammy Krane dey die for Yvonne Nelson. In case you didn’t understand that let me increase the intellectual level of my last sentence. Dammy Krane is crushing on Yvonne Nelson, the woman wey claim to get the hottest legs in the industry. The hottest legs! Hot enough to burn Ice Prince and Iyanya. This is shocking because as much as Dammy thinks he’s a badt sharp guy, let him go and consult with his senior playboys. Iyanya and Ice Prince. Let them tell him what they suffered in the hands of that Ghanaian Maami-Water. She played them like ten-ten. She first rolled with Ice Prince, while flashing her long eyelashes at Iyanya. She finally ported to Iyanya, but after seeing that Iyanya contract no reach, she ran back to Ice Prince. Iyanya kept begging, and singing, “Yvonne Nelson, I have your medicine.”.
But the girl no gree go. Now Dammy Krane wan carry body put. He even sang her a real Naija poem. Listen to it here.
Dammy, Yvonne will not want your recharge cards, Shawarma, or trips to the movie…She’ll want more than that. Then that your bank material go become “jump up.
Photo Of The Week
“Once in a lifetime opportunity to brush my teeth.”
Until next week…but for if you want more, you can feed yourself by clicking {HERE}
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